Since I lifted the curtain on my depression, and gave it permission to pull faces at me, things have got weirder and weirder in the nicest possible way. Weirder and weirder definitely doesn’t mean mad though. Wrongly or correctly, I have not allowed depression to show up in my life for decades now, believing that there are people who depend on me, and if I am crippled by depression, what does that tell them about life, and I may end up letting them down just when they need me the most. That must not be the case any more as this time it feels safe to release it into the open. I remember so well, as I began to experience an unexpected THC oil moment (one that I had walked myself into without realising what I was doing), that my very first thought, as it began to alter my mind, was how was I going to take care of those who may need me while in this state of losing myself. My second thought was, I want to be at home where I shall feel safe during this loss of control over myself. Not long after having these thoughts, and once I had made contact with Elle and heard that she was going to come and be with me, I understood that I needed to give myself over to the experience. I surrendered, and opened my mind to see what the experience could give back to me.
I feel that there is a connection between that moment and now. This depression is morphing into something tender and illuminating. I find myself surrounded by important members of my family who are not afraid, and nor are they trying to steer me onto a different course. I feel like I have gained their trust and patience. I had a special telephone moment yesterday with one of my dear life compatriots, and later with Kate. It feels like energy, a life force, is flowing back into my being. Last night I managed to go to sleep without any help, and whereas I did wake a few times in the night, it wasn’t too difficult to get back to sleep. In one of my waking moments, there was a vision in my head. There was a table and Elle was sat at it. It was a comforting moment. I should not feel adrift in a sea of nothingness. I should not allow her death to create a widening rift between us. Time is trying very hard not to be my enemy. This morning I awoke at six and felt like writing. She is sitting at my table.